Hoopsters, strap in. We’ve got another outlandish one today x
So I’m on the sofa with a coffee and 3 Aldi’s own breakfast biscuits and I got to thinking… if I were a man, what would I be like?
To me, I imagine I would be an absolutely stacked Ibiza final boss man who lives in a new build, drives a BMW with an upgraded exhaust, has a French bulldog, and a Mrs I ignore and slag off at the pub.
Alas, I fear the world would imagine me to be a miniature version of Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Still, like dust, I rise. I am in control of my own destiny. And when the gates of heaven welcome me in, my soul will live on as Jack from the pub.
This morning I texted one of my dear friends, Mike, whom I haven’t seen in some time. Mike and I used to work together and communicate sporadically, but we always text in the same way we used to email and it makes me giggle a lot. I wanted to share the text I sent him this morning as it entertained me to no end.
It also got me thinking about friends old and new, and how much people bring into our lives. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my friends, and my life would have a big hole in it. We all have our own lives, and it’s easy to get caught up in the big bad world, but please remember to tell your friends how much you love them – especially on a chilly Monday morning.
And to my oldest and dearest friend, who I know is reading this, yes this includes you mum. Love you lots.
Stay friendly Hoopsters.
Spaghetti Hoops out.
Bringing some Monday pretentiousness to my Hoopsters.
I’ve just seen a clip from the day time television show “Loose women”.
I’ll keep it brief Hoopsters, I’ve never seen such an unfunny nor uninteresting programme in my entire life.
Firstly, it’s just a group of elderly women who really should be at a garden centre or catching up over lunch without it being broadcast across the nation for everyone’s ‘viewing pleasure’, so the premise alone irritates me.
Then I find the attitude of a lot of the women to be preachy; they cover “hot topics” and “put the world to rights” well I’m sorry but the fact you don’t like being called babes when you go into a shop because you’re 62 is none of my concern nor would I deem it a hot topic.
I’ll give them one thing, sometimes GK Barry is on it and she’s fit so fair play. Beyond that, no.
I’m not calling for censorship of elderly women just perhaps a less irritating group of them.
Hoopsters, it’s been a while. I invite you to strap in as I tell you my newest train of thought which, obnoxiously, I assume everyone is dying to hear.
I have recently heard that within the next few weeks I should achieve my goal of becoming a firefighter. Splendid stuff, it’s bloody hard work and I’m thrilled.
That said, I would like a form of secondary employment so I can keep up my diverse skillset and get the money rolling in so I can pay for my very expensive wife to have everything she could ever want.
Do we think I could be a bouncer?
Now you may laugh at this suggestion, but I think I could be excellent at it. Do I like confrontation? No. Would I feel confident breaking up a fight? No. Am I good with sick, drugs, excessive drinking, or violence? No. HOWEVER, I do like being in the fresh air and I do like chatting to people. So maybe it could be the perfect tonic.
I’m sick to death of hearing about bloody Oasis. They played in Manchester? Mint. Why am I hearing about it on every platform going? Why have there been Oasis pop ups all over the place in Manchester for 2 weeks? Why on Earth is this some sort of big thing that everyone is banging on about?
If you are chatting about Oasis and how wonderfully brilliant it is that they’re playing gigs again, just know I count you as a foe, and I desperately would rather hear about literally anything else.
I’m hot and bothered, and remain indifferent to both the existence of Oasis, and the fact they are back on the scene.
Blog, I come to you today with a new gripe. One which I don’t feel is discussed often enough, but has just irritated me to no end.
I’ll paint a picture: my mother received a puzzle for Christmas of which she felt she had no use for. I, a 21 year old reprobate with very little to do, decided to take on the task of building the puzzle.
It’s 500 pieces and depicts New York at Christmas, how gorgeous. I absolutely had the most fun ever building it and even got my friends involved. It was therapeutic, cute, and kept my brain busy. I thought, by Jove, I’m a puzzler x
That was until I completed the puzzle and needed to take it apart.
Why on gods green earth is it so bloody difficult to take apart a puzzle. Suddenly it’s like the whole thing is super glued together and it’s just a completely impossible task. I also don’t appreciate the woke rumours online that you can pick it up and drop it so it all falls apart, that’s a lie and a scam it simply falls back onto the table still fully formed.
I can’t explain how tedious the process was. No wonder people puzzle to relax, because once you finish and have to dismantle it you need a bloody tranquilliser to calm down.
500 pieces and 499 of them were impossible to separate. Not on.
Walked into work this morning, tired from yesterday. For context, I finished my 14 hour shift at 2am and was back in at 11am 😍 what a dream hospitality is.
Nevertheless, I walked in ready to start my day, feeling pretty positive on the whole. I was greeted by my fellow bartender who said: “wow Elizabeth, you look like you’re about to join the military”.
To me, this statement translated as body tea, biceps are popping, the usual nonchalant yet assertive smoulder was doing numbers, and I was in for a good day.
Thrilled by this, I quickly went and told my colleague, whilst grinning ear to ear, about the interaction that had just been bestowed upon me.
My colleague replied: “I think it’s just because you’re wearing a belt today and look more butch than usual”.
I just wanted to take a moment to once again talk about how much I love Justin Timberlake.
Last week I couldn’t stop listening to his hit song Señorita (an underrated yet timeless classic) and I truly thought wow this is prime Justin it just doesn’t get better than this.
Now this week I’ve had Summer Love on repeat and I am amazed yet again at how fantastic his songs are. I’ve peaked in Justin appreciation and cannot fathom how one man can make such good music.
I like to think that, had I been born a bit earlier, me and Justin would both be in the hit band *NSYNC and would rise to fame together, leaving JC, Joey, Chris, and Lance in the dust. However, I also imagine that even if it was still just Justin who rose to fame that he would take me with him because he’s just that kind of guy.
When I saw Justin Timberlake at the Co-Op Live I was astonished by his fantastic performance, not only on vocals but his dance moves too. What a mover and shaker r JT is.
Looking back if I could rename my cat I would call her Justin Timberlake, and then if god forbid she went missing I would call out JT and loads of Justin Timberlake fans would flock to my door and we could all sit and chat about his discography and the wealth of great music he has.
I’m sorry to the world that he had a drink driving offence in recent times but you know what? Give the man a break. After 30 years of bangers and a failed relationship with Britney Spears, I can allow him one error.
I just want everyone to know that if you don’t like Justin Timberlake, I won’t consider you a foe, but I will forever be sorry for your inability to appreciate good music.
Spaghetti who wants to hear about my day 